projects 2015

so i have a few things in the works. 

udemy thing

new blogs

get health in order

the health thing...im deciding that today and going forward i will be making better choices when it comes to my food intake. i will also control my portion sizes. erm.

honestly, im broke right now so eating healthy on a budget or really on no money is kinda tough. its def doable though. fruits and veggies, etc. they can be super cheap actually. ugh. ive binged on carbs for the past couple of weeks. ive been on a food binge for the past few years. ugh.

so anyway. i have these meal replacement shakes by Garden of Life left...about 2 months worth. i think im going to do those again until i finish them. this'll save money and get me somewhere better where i am today. im 33 and my bones and joints feel achy. im pretty sure i have high blood pressure. diabetes is uncertain. however, i have heart disease on both sides of my family...so yeah.

im also beginning to work out. ive always tried to think of fun ways to work out. the idea of me in a gym makes me want to puke. like..a gym gym.i think a boxing gym, wouldnt be so bad though, albeit intimidating. i used to take martial arts way back when...i think i gained weight during that time though. haha. anywho, i have a punching bag, some gloves and watnot. i have some training guides. i also have some guides for other exercises and watnot. i plan to do this everyday. i should have started a month ago when i originally wanted. but whatever. i will start today...and if i dont, ill feel like a douchebag for writing all this and not doing shit.

i think thats my new years resolution...a bit late huh? haha.

if i write it, i will make it happen.

ill try my best to fulfill this. 

im 33 and i still have hopes and dreams. i have goals to reach and adventures to be had that are achievable if only i put my energy into it. i have been putting energy into these endeavors over the years but have been and am still partially stunted by fear. fear of failure, fear of something. i feel like im getting over it. we'll see.

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the new blogs. i want to write monthly letters for my mom and to my daughter. maybe one day my daughter will find these and it'll give her some perspective.

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the udemy thing. i need to be teaching. there are a few things that i know how to do well. there isnt much that i am necessarily "qualified" to teach yet though. however, last time i checked, i didnt need a culinary degree to be a bomb ass cook and be able to show people a thing or two. hell, maybe people will even shell out monies for said coursework?

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hey so...i have been doing ok with my financial aid crap lately. im a few months away from having this hold that was on my financial aid removed. hooray? yes. now ill be able to apply for financial aid and get back in school. hmm. they were also taking money from my tax returns too...which sucked ass...but in a way was cool because it went right to my loans. meh. id rather make thost decisions so yay for that being gone. the prospect of returning to school is motivating. 

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i wonder if anyone can point me to some resources for getting a divorce. erm.yeah.

some days.

some days i feel like i cant do this anymore.

great grandparents

so my daughter is lucky enough to have great grand parents on her my mom and father's sides. on her mom's side i think she has the GG's of l's dad.

anywho.

ive been thinking a lot about i guess...the afterlife? or like...the continuation of life through generations.

i just want to make sure that the memory of me exists in generations of my family lineage.

each person is a concrescence as well as a branch splitting off.

more later. back to work. i just needed to get the idea down.

home.

its funny. humans are nomadic explorers in a sense. but in a very real way, we need home.

what is home?

a place? a feeling? is home tangible?

i dont know. i just had a funny thought earlier. i was thinking on it...and well, before i lose my grasp on the train of thought i then thought to myself to write it down.

i was born and raised in jersey city, nj. a place i had called my home for 26 years of my life. i guess you can say...that place was home. i recently went back and while it felt sort of like home...it was no longer my home. places changed, people werent where they used to be...for the most part. you know. i really had felt that there was some sort of shift about how i felt about my hometown. i guess itll always be that, my hometown. nj is my home state...and ill always feel a special way about the place.

what was lacking i thought to myself.

family still existed there...for the most part.

what i miss is my mom. its like...your parents are home until you make your own home.

im still in the process of getting my life together, not that it is or has been in shambles but moreso it's been hard work in progress.

you know. i never really depended on my mom for much. besides the basic things. but i dont know...she never had to get me out of a jam or anything. i never had to depend on her to hold my hand. she was always big on me doing things myself. she didnt know it but she was totally someone that learned by doing and passed that on to me. as an adult and as a parent i dont feel like im depending on her much either. sometimes i just wish i could talk to her...even if she was just nagging at me over something.

meh.

friday the 13th.

meh. nothing special. we had one last month right?

its friday though and thats good. sooo tired.

work has me pretty worn out. some mistakes happen here and there because of the burnout...so im looking forward to a relaxing weekend.

here's to hoping ill get some rest

*cheers*

(i feel like i had something important to say here today. oh well.)

work has me busy so ill get back to that. adios amigos.

creating content

so, ive gone on before about how i cant write and watnot.

meh.

what a cop out huh?

i guess im just in the mood and feel like i may have a lot to say. (even though looking back im not saying all that i want to say...doesnt that shit happen? ugh)

now that im thinking about it...there's just so much to say about where ive been in my life from the last time i was writing actively.

i always also feel like giving a recap. .

you know. i had an Open Diary on opendiary.com before. or was it freeopendiary?

anywho. then a live journal. then a brief stint with a deadjournal...erm...didnt last long

and then i had a xanga for a while. it still exists. i believe i had it reinstated actually.

i hope that content never gets lost.

anywho.

i remember i used to create a lot of content. silly stuff though. like weekly id have my "muse of the week" thing. write about some inspiring female...that was fun.

while i work, i usually watch interviews on youtube. usually hip hop interviews (sway in the am, breakfast club, etc). one day, the other day, sway had on jimmy kimmell. it was an interesting interview. at this hour i forget most of what was said. but heres my takeaway:

i remember jimmy saying something about how he was broke then he just kept working and creating. then one day he made a living of just creating content that he could show to someone and they'd pay him for it.

my logic is telling me and everyone in the  room. "duh"

easy peasy.

he did not fail to mention the hard work involved.

you know. i've always seen myself as an intelligent person. someone who is a decent judge of character. someone who is able to see many perspectives and think critically. i think im a hard worker...but somewhere in there i lack discipline.

above my computer on the wall that faces me i have a paper with the words "self discipline" in terrible bubble letters a la 5th grade. written in pen. i didnt even go all out with my reminder sign.

if i wasnt so lazy, id post a photo...that'd be content. and id feel content. oo snaps

maybe ill work myself up to it. i wanted to put up a youtube video. can i link shit? i think i can. if i can then its over.

bahaha?

bahah!

i was thinking about the cleverness of blogging. or even specifically my "i just cant leave this blank" blog name. haha. i should shut up now.

well not so much that. moreso rather...

im thinking about how do we stand the test of time? how do we live in infamy? how can we be remembered?

we can remember some OG things with written text or artifacts, bones, fossils etc etc/

its amazing that we live in the world we live in now. we all have the opportunity to create content. content that can potentially last forever. who knows what the internet will evolve into in the next 50 years...and on and on and on. i hope there are backups for the information that lives online. well there are. hell i can have my own back up.

but anywho. terence mckenna once said something to the affect that creating art is one of the points of our existence. id agree with it. how else will we be remembered? art...in all its forms is human expression. it was a gift. a gifts to ourselves from ourselves. we discovered art through curiosity.

im just thinking out loud...so to speak.

hah. so to type. there should be jargon for that. something to explain my stream of consciousness verbally. erm. like i just did.

so yeah.

go you! go you human being for being curious, creative, critical thinking and deciding to be expressive.

im up at 2am. i worked a bit, though i wanted to work more over the weekend. now im just babbling and off my topic.

is this enough content?

be motivated.




wait wait wait


theres more to this.

so. collective consciousness right.

i wonder. i wonder...what if someone started a meme of some sort. something positive. something concrete and positive that everyone could agree upon. something simple that some retarded religion cant argue one way or another. post that shit on the internets. have million and billions see and be effected by it. would that change the collective consciousness of the human entelechy? fuck man.

why cant we just all agree on peace. wtf is wrong with people.

heh. i feel like love and peace are one in the same. i feel like peace is a kind of love. a love that is in balance and harmony.

near death

almost died today.

it would have been pretty terrible.

when i woke up it felt like one of those dreams.

you ever have a dream and in the middle of the dream you're like "wait. is this real?" sometimes during the dream you'll say "oh...yeh just dreaming no worries" and other times you question it a few times before you realize oh yeh...just dreaming. i've had it before where ive woken up from something...and thought i was still dreaming but it was in fact reality.

today was one of those days.

worked late last night...and late is an understatement. i literally had 1 hr of sleep...and i have an entire 8 hour super stressful work day ahead of me.

right now i cant even focus on work because im still shaken up.

i guess, im glad to be alive.

it would be nice to see things come into fruition over the long term.

im sure its satisfying for someone like my grandparents to see their Great grandkids. 4 generations is a lot.

if only i can live to see that day. ellie's (or any other kids i may have in the future) kids having kids. wow.

good thing i didnt die today.

sleeping alone

i remember when my ex moved in and the first night it was...i guess awkward in a way.

I had been sleeping alone for the most part except for staying over at an exes here and there. but this had been the first time it was like "oh shit, this person is living with me and im going to have to get used to this weird, new thing." i think i took to it well but the ex always had sleeping issues. meh.

fast forward i dunno 8-10 years?

at this point ive been with danielle for 3 years and its been going well for the most part. she's away until friday and it was weird how uncomfortable i am sleeping alone.

its like i give in to sleep and wake up sporadically through the night with anxiety, then pass out again in another place.

i literally passed out 5 mins after getting ready to watch a show last night, in the living room. woke up at 130am or so and walked my ass to bed. from here i proceeded to wake up 3 or 4 times throughout the night.

i missed my partner.

my hope for death

if we all inevitably die physically. my hope is that when you die, its painless. that's my hope for myself and everyone. even if its unrealistic. the thought of someone going through so much pain that they died fucks with my head.

paths.

i think ive come to the realization that we all have different paths a long time ago. i also feel that over time the meaning of having different paths has changed for me as well. maybe that idea evolves for everyone as well, at different times.

today im feeling like acceptance of your own path is a completely different entity than the realization of paths.

im not even sure if i am making a declaration that i have accepted my own path.

i feel like every time i delve into a non ordinary state of being, the question of what is my path is asked and chewed on. i have made some conclusions but i dont think i have full acceptance of my path. i feel that the society we live in, in part holds us to a preset path. i have been in it for a while and ive stepped out but not far enough.

its like learning to swim but holding onto the edges of the pool.