I

I'm just a nobody

Broken shaman

Broken shaman
put the pieces back together
I feel this will never get better
Shattered pieces
Feels like forever
Picking it up one by one
It's hard to remember
Who I am and why I'm here
Overcome with fear
Useless
Thoughts no one will hear

Broken shaman
The journey is so long
Wondering where it all went wrong
Maybe it's better if I where gone
Need the strength to carry on
Broken shaman
What have you done?
An outsider amongst outsiders
I just don't belong.

Memory

I don't want to be someone's faded memory.

Indescribable

My love, you are indescribable. Thank you for understanding me and in the times when I am hard to understand, you always have the patience to hear me out. I'm sorry for when I'm so insecure. I worry that it'll make you leave. Thank you for loving me entirely. I have no more words

all the bullshit

lets stop all the bullshit. please.

ive been.

ive been so dumb and ive been so stupid

fuck. ive only got these one liners

how can one be so blind.

how can one be so stupid

how can one hurt one that they love

how can we go back to before the hurts

how can we relieve pain and suffering.

ive been so dumb.

i had been numb

and now we cant go back

my love is pure.

im sorry that it took time and i hurt you so much.

ill pick up every heart piece scattered across the universe

if thats what it took to help rebuild

i love you so much it hurts so much.

i just need you near me

that would be enough.

my greatest love

my dearest love,

you are the inspiration. the reason for continuing on this plain of existence.
i had lost my muse for a very long time and here you have been all along and i took that for granted
how i am desperate and in pain wishing and wanting, hoping
just as you did for me. confused but still feeling love.

im so sorry for the pain. im so sorry for making you feel disregarded.

you are the ONE. my one. the one ive wanted for so long. and i took that for granted. im so so sorry. i cant think of any more way to apologize except to devote my entirety to helping you achieve happiness.

i cant believe i have met someone so amazing and special. the one who excites me like no other. all these superficial relationships are no match.

i cant say more and hope my actions speak for themselves. i love you for eternity and then some. i want my love memoralized here for you and for everyone to see.

my old longings were that of a lost boy looking for something that was a false dream.

im a fucking idiot.

Mom

Dear Mom,

I miss you. I have so many issues going on and while my partner offers all the support she can, I wish I was able to hear your voice and listen to your advice.

I wish I could tell you how depressed I'm feeling even if your response would be an exasperated "what do you mean??". I need that right now. The last thing I have is a voicemail from you wishing Ellie a happy birthday. Your voice is groggy and you're months away from dying from the fucking cancer but you still managed to call. I was a good son but I let bullshit keep us out of touch. I feel a lot of guilt for that and I feel so sad that I can't take the time back.

I wish I could tell you about all that I'm going through. I fucking hate that I had been in a position and in a relationship that made me feel like I needed to separate myself to gain a sense of Independence. I listened to a broken person and it changed my life.

I miss you. You'd be so proud of your granddaughter. You'd be so happy with Danielle as my gf and you'd be proud that I'm back in school. You'd be proud of me as a dad.

But this is all so hard and I wish I could just call you and have a conversation.

For the longest time it was just the two of us..and I took that for granted.

I never expected to have depressed feelings. I felt so removed from it. Like it was myth. Like "people get sad".

I can hear you in my head and I hope I never lose the sound of your voice in my mind.

I was thinking about you and you were speaking to me in my mind in tagalog. It felt great. I miss your words, your inflection, your cadence, your texture. I miss your confidence and attitude. I miss your strength and your spirit.

My days

My days.
Some days I don't know what's left
Then I'm reminded of life's vastness
My days are more thoughtful
Full of hopes and dreams
Everything in between
Interconnectivity
Synchronicity
Living symbiotically
Loving fully
Compassionately.

Hmph

I hope this is worth it

for you.

dear love of my life,

im sorry for the times i am insensitive and inconsiderate.































im sorry for giving you shit
and all that i put you through
i am such an idiot
but i appreciate you
thank you for
the love you give to me
im so happy we can communicate
im sorry its often about me
i know that i can be a burden
im sorry for my insecurities
i know its not the sexiest
now im a mess
and this doesnt rhyme anymore

HAHA!

i love you!
you amazing goddess of the forest and the sea.
my love for you is undying.
with all my heart, mind and soul.
when this matter dissipates
when this consciousness leaves.
when these memories scatter.
i know what i have now.
and that is all that matters.

Ugh

I need your support

what a beautiful mess this is...

like a song

our love is like a song. intangible and tangible at the same time.
a frequency. a vibration. a mood. a feeling
our love is like a song. a song that reminds me of my dreams.
dreams that feel like memories. a memory from the future.
thats why i cry. because every time. i fall in love. hard.
every time.

our love is like a song. melancholic. sweet and sometimes sad. but we're on the same road.

i imagine overlooking a landscape that rolls into a bay with trees to greet you when you  get there. we relax in a comfy rocking couch. sipping lemonade on a balmy yet lightly breezy summer day. a morning of contentment. our hearts full of love and experience. and not a word need to be exchanged because we already know.

Pablo picasso.

"sex and art are the same thing"

Make art with me

sustainable living conference

what a great weekend full of education and connection.

someone that we newly met says to me quietly in my ear during a hug, "good luck, shaman." thats the first time a new friend has called me that on their own accord. it felt good and reassuring. 

i am motivated to be the best me i can be. for myself, my loves and my community. i need to be and am working on being the shaman that heals himself so that he can heal others. i have been working on healing myself for a while now. healing my mind, spirit and body. none of this can be accomplished without real work.

what is work? questioning your paradigms, readjusting them, learning new techniques and ways to communicate more effectively. 

its a work in progress. but with new connections, knowledge, motivation, work and time the goals can be attained. 

iamtheshaman.

objects in the mirror. - mac miller

People love you when they on your mind
A thought is love's currency
And I been thinking 'bout her all the time
I've never seen somebody put together perfectly

https://youtu.be/9Gbl-IDp1qc

Not today

Not feeling the best today.
A blue jay flew across my view.
Is that good luck?
Luck isn't what I need

If you read this you'd know
I'm a tortured soul
my mind isn't helping either
Maybe if I could just see her.

Not feeling the best.
Might just be depressed.
Just. That's all.
Nothing here
Move along.

Promise

Married to you in my heart
Married to you in my mind
Married to you in my soul.