weight loss and etc

in the wake of all the crap that has happened up until recently, ive ended up gaining a shit ton of weight that i have never before experienced. i have lost total control of my appetite. even with plans here and there to diet and exercise, i have felt like i might as well give up. because...you know. its much easier.

yolo?

truthfully, we dont "only live once" humans live infinitely. our biological vessels will expire but our energy lives on and reconnects to the ultimate consciousness at the end of space-time, only to be recycled back into some other form at some other point in space-time.

so if i live forever, i have to make a conscious decision to make my mind, body and spirit as healthy as possible. this way, when my energy is recycled back into the universe...it will be good energy. good energy that will make a difference in the universe.

i have tried fasting before and ive been successful at a maximum...2 days. however, after my two days...id usually binge.

today is day 2 of my current fast. i plan to end this water fast today and starting tomorrow, start again on these healthy shakes that ive been making. so in essence i will still be fasting. i will have a completely liquid diet for as long as i can take it. these shakes are made from different grains, nuts probiotics, etc etc. im using "garden of life - raw meal" along with garden of life's fiber, protein and super green formula. not sure if people usually use these for diet, however id be replacing my usual diet with organic, non gmo, vegan, nutrient rich foods that are low in calories and fat and high in fiber and protein. once i gain control of my mind and body...i will be free to eat like a normal fucking person and control where my meal ends as opposed to eating until my stomach is about to burst.

as far as exercise, i plan to keep it nice and easy for a while. D and i did some crunches yesterday. i plan eventually set a timer on my phone for every hour or so...so i can get out of my desk chair and move by body for 10-15 minutes. ive been suffering from really bad edema ever since my mom passed away.

maybe its karma or karmatic (thats not a word). but yeh. before my mom passed, she was having a lot of edema. her legs, arms and face were all swollen - depending on what phase she was in her deterioration.

all that being said. my mom was beautiful in her last moments. if there is a heaven...im sure she's there. if not...im sure her energy is partially with me...and the rest is out there doing good in the universe...creating life on new worlds in galaxies undiscovered.

i think at the end of my moms life..she figured it out. once she accepted that she was dying of cancer, she became very religious and spiritual. this is the normal human's way of coping and understanding. our understanding of the afterlife is sort of new (even though our concept of the afterlife has existed for eons) for humans. we've developed religion to deal with this. however, the dogma of religion makes real spirituality, filthy. my mom was a true believer in her god. she wasnt fake. she was genuine in everything she did.

im 32 years old right now. i promise to do my best to live a cleaner life. i owe it to my partner, my (future) child(ren), my family, my mom, and mostly to myself.

ive always envisioned myself getting old and living this relaxed, happy life. let me not get lost in the shuffle.

i have so many things to worry about. career, school, debt...etc

these things are all human made constructs. they can all take a backseat to me getting my self in order.

crazy

in the past 3 years:

ive been in and out of work, although i have a stable job at the moment.

failed marriage

my father dies

my mom dies.

and im expected to perform at an optimal level every day. a normal person would need therapy - especially considering the circumstances surrounding these events in my life.

oh well.