keeping memories alive

after one dies, who will carry the torch of their memory and all the moments that they have experienced in life.

i guess in this day and age its easier to keep memories recorded. when i was growing up i was always the observer and mentally ingrained certain things in my mind.

i was upset the other day thinking about my mom and her friendship with her friend and ultimately a great family friend, tita lisa. i just thought about how when she passes away, there will be no one left that will have the memory of their friendship. it'll be lost forever. well except in my mind. i still carry memories albeit from my perspective of their friendship and the memories that were made. even though they were little moments. those things are special and important. at least to me. am i giving more value to a memory than i should? fuck that.

all experience in life is pivotal.

Can you speak on your life before this and after?

i want to talk about my life before and after psychedelics.

just a little reminder here for me to w rite when i get a chance.

who i was, who i am, who i've always been, who i've become and what i am coming into being.

once a week? or a month? lol!

i want to be consistent but i feel like im a  "whenever the mood strikes" kind of persome.

but maybe when i just do it...the mood will be there

let me just say that a lot of interesting things have been going on as of late.

so much to tell, but not really. meh!

hahah!

ill get back to work...but since im off friday, i think ill take that opportunity to write. mayhaps!

just 15 mins. write. day 1

one of my very best and longest friends, hanalei and i have become "accountability buddies"

so basically. i have a hard time writing. hanalei is a great writer and she too has had times where although she wanted to write, had a hard time getting it done. it's funny because hanalei has kept blogs and websites and throughout the years has still encouraged me to write. she's offered me opportunities to write for her sites and watnot.

one would think. fuck yeh! why not right? i mean. they all are great ideas and the opportunities are amazing! the sites themselves are amazing (i think some of them exist still), but for some reason or another i never got to writing. here's where the accountability buddies thing comes in. i do feel its a bit one sided though because...i dont have to remind hanalei to write. it seems like shes always inspired. at least when we speak. she's always in the midst of something. and i believe it. ive told her when we where in high school that i envisioned big things for her. at that time we were good friends in high school but there wasnt much to go on besides what i knew of her throughout our high school experience. so, from time to time hanalei will text me or email me or even call me to remind me to write. and here i am.

i dont know. i used to write a ton. maybe if i set aside time for myself id just do it. like now.

hanalei's email read in response to my lack of motivation to write "...those conditions will never happen, ...just write for 15 mins now, and do that again tomorrow"

hell. i used to keep a Xanga. id write daily, multiple times, with hmtl, pictures, audio and video! lol. so what the fuck happened?

life i guess. i dont remember if it coincided with drinking a lot in my early early 20's. maybe if i look back ill see some pattern.

but as it stands, i think personally im a decent enough writer. i think if i wrote about something im passionate about, im more than decent. i went through looking back at some essays and poems i wrote for some classes in college and i thought to myself on a few of them, "i wrote this?".  thinking back, man when i was inspired, i sure do write well. i also never edited what i wrote. and i probably wont edit this. usually it has to come as a stream of consciousness.

anyway. why dont i write? meh. just keeping it so low on my priority list that it hides itself.

its a little talent hiding out in the closet that's playing hide-n-seek and hasn't realized time was called on the game. 

if i wasnt so lazy, id find a little jpg for that.

i was going to be lazy and just watch some anime. in fact i got 9 mins in (an amazing episode of Sword Art Online 2) and was like "fuck it". "i already looked at my blog today, i could write. why not?"

thatll be all for today. i have a prompt for tomorrow, "all i want..." thanks hanalei. ill work on that tomorrow on my lunch break, just like today.

i voted today by the way. voted yes on 2. medical mj for fl.

(edit)

i said that i wouldnt edit myself. but fuck off.

i feel like i missed some points i wanted to make. i dont have much time for it now though so whatever. hasta la manana!

"The Psychedelic Apprentice - Andrew Feldmar"

Time split

I really hate that ellie has to deal with divided time between her mom and I.

affect.

dear gf,

i'm sorry that other people affect me and put me in a negative mood, while you are trying to be sweet and cute. i mean to be sweet and cute back...it's hard to be that way when you're stressed out though.

ill do better. and hopefully people will stress me out less.

btw.


- a note on being disrespected.

i feel like all my life, ive respected others and in turn i've garnered respect back. its a very weird feeling for me...to be disrespected - especially when i try very very hard to be respectful and patient.

meh.

weight loss and etc

in the wake of all the crap that has happened up until recently, ive ended up gaining a shit ton of weight that i have never before experienced. i have lost total control of my appetite. even with plans here and there to diet and exercise, i have felt like i might as well give up. because...you know. its much easier.

yolo?

truthfully, we dont "only live once" humans live infinitely. our biological vessels will expire but our energy lives on and reconnects to the ultimate consciousness at the end of space-time, only to be recycled back into some other form at some other point in space-time.

so if i live forever, i have to make a conscious decision to make my mind, body and spirit as healthy as possible. this way, when my energy is recycled back into the universe...it will be good energy. good energy that will make a difference in the universe.

i have tried fasting before and ive been successful at a maximum...2 days. however, after my two days...id usually binge.

today is day 2 of my current fast. i plan to end this water fast today and starting tomorrow, start again on these healthy shakes that ive been making. so in essence i will still be fasting. i will have a completely liquid diet for as long as i can take it. these shakes are made from different grains, nuts probiotics, etc etc. im using "garden of life - raw meal" along with garden of life's fiber, protein and super green formula. not sure if people usually use these for diet, however id be replacing my usual diet with organic, non gmo, vegan, nutrient rich foods that are low in calories and fat and high in fiber and protein. once i gain control of my mind and body...i will be free to eat like a normal fucking person and control where my meal ends as opposed to eating until my stomach is about to burst.

as far as exercise, i plan to keep it nice and easy for a while. D and i did some crunches yesterday. i plan eventually set a timer on my phone for every hour or so...so i can get out of my desk chair and move by body for 10-15 minutes. ive been suffering from really bad edema ever since my mom passed away.

maybe its karma or karmatic (thats not a word). but yeh. before my mom passed, she was having a lot of edema. her legs, arms and face were all swollen - depending on what phase she was in her deterioration.

all that being said. my mom was beautiful in her last moments. if there is a heaven...im sure she's there. if not...im sure her energy is partially with me...and the rest is out there doing good in the universe...creating life on new worlds in galaxies undiscovered.

i think at the end of my moms life..she figured it out. once she accepted that she was dying of cancer, she became very religious and spiritual. this is the normal human's way of coping and understanding. our understanding of the afterlife is sort of new (even though our concept of the afterlife has existed for eons) for humans. we've developed religion to deal with this. however, the dogma of religion makes real spirituality, filthy. my mom was a true believer in her god. she wasnt fake. she was genuine in everything she did.

im 32 years old right now. i promise to do my best to live a cleaner life. i owe it to my partner, my (future) child(ren), my family, my mom, and mostly to myself.

ive always envisioned myself getting old and living this relaxed, happy life. let me not get lost in the shuffle.

i have so many things to worry about. career, school, debt...etc

these things are all human made constructs. they can all take a backseat to me getting my self in order.

crazy

in the past 3 years:

ive been in and out of work, although i have a stable job at the moment.

failed marriage

my father dies

my mom dies.

and im expected to perform at an optimal level every day. a normal person would need therapy - especially considering the circumstances surrounding these events in my life.

oh well.