fear?

far out past the places i have come to know
are places that i have not seen
places that i wish to go.
but fear keeps me away
fear keeps me at bay
while curiosity keeps me close
and passion even closer
fear is one strong
mother fucker.

stranglehold
choke hold
loosen your grip
freedom is a great prize
on this roller coaster trip

id like to come to know you
and all these various places
id like to come to know you
and study your faces.
id like to come to know you
and the experiences within
id like to come to know you
fearless,
as you've always been.

Great.

I may not have learned what I know, in a classroom. I may not have finished college (yet). But I know what I know through great experiences large and small. Fill your life with great experiences, then you'll be great.

When someone says,

When someone says "I can't help how you feel"

It basically means "I don't give a fuck"

Because when u have a relationship with someone, and you love them, you are concerned for their feelings.

Eh

I just want to be happy and not feel like I'm missing something.

Oh well

Its probably over.
Ull continue with them
And ill be okay with it
Ill be too tired to look anymore
At least for now I guess.
But I know now.
I'm tired.
Ill be happy while you learn
While you grow.
Ill be happy
With the ppl you'll come to know

Oh karma please be good to me
I've been both good and bad
The universe allows that
I hope to find balance in the end.

Lost

I've already lost so much in my lifetime. I'm sure I will lose some more. When will my good karma points kick in? Or maybe I shouldn't count on them. I feel so lost sometimes. I feel like I'm losing everything, sometimes, too.

Miss.

Miscommunication, misunderstandings
Misjudged, revelations handy
When there's a split
Its hard to come back.
The break in wood can repair itself
Get itself back on track
It just needs some tlc
Caretakers to look after it
Nurture and nourish
Until again, we understand it
I hope a break can mend
I hope a split can end
I hope for the understanding
Of a special friend.
Stay a while in my life
I know I can be good for you
Stay a while, you're needed too.
Misunderstandings can be worked out
Hopefully its worth it to you.
Stay, because it feels so right
being close to you.

Brain drain

Brain drain
These thoughts have pain
Depressed
Repressed
Hold on, maintain

Brain freeze til it burns like fire
Atoms move, melting frozen desire
sluggish and off track
I've lost focus
I can't wait to retire

Tired from the day
My brain wastes away
Oozing mental fluids
Out of the orifices.

Brain drained,
Wasting away
Give me tomorrow
I'm sure ill be better then,
Anyway.

I want to write

I want to write.
I want to write a free flowing poem
Filled with flowery imagery and fancy devices
But I can't.
A section of my brain feels locked up.
So I make attempts with words strewn together
That to me seem uncoordinated
Boring
Bland
Basic

I wish I could be like before
Writing words that inspired themselves
I wish my words

Weighed more.

A heavy handed dose of creativity.
But just right in imagery.

Give me a smoke, give me a muse.
Give me some inspiration to use.

I want to write
So badly
Well enough to display proudly.

I want my words to feel like music
I want my words to feel like...
Amazing sex

I want to write something amazing
Something complex.

All ive got.

All I've got is you, realistically
And all you've got is me.
You depend on me.
And I love you
Unconditionally.
I remember when I mattered
More
I remember when
There was more to live for

All I've got is you
And that may be enough
-me

Fuck.

Sometimes when you need someone to depend on...all you can really depend on is yourself.

Replaced

I don't like feeling like I've been replaced. It sucks. =/

Life as i know it

Sometimes. Sometimes ill think to myself about where my life is. Where i was headed or am headed now.

Sometimes ill think about it all...all the twists and turns. The complexities, the simple times. Ill think...ugh.

Ugh. Im just tired.

Some days itll be good. Ill feel like theres some direction. Some movement. And maybe the choices ive made were for the better.

But when im tired - Mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually...it's hard to feel good about the life you live.

I have lots to be thankful and happy about. I have a great daughter...although she tires me out...she is still a beacon of hope and happiness for me. While this is true...i cant rely on her for MY own happiness. I have a great and understanding gf. An awesome wife...albeit our situation is pretty funky right now.

So what makes me happy? I guess im not too sure. And when i get there...will it keep me happy? And is that what i really want..and is it really making me happy? I just dont know sometimes.

Is it me not being satisfied or is it more of me not knowing wtf i want.

Sometimes what i want isnt good for everyone else...so i bite my tongue.

I just want happiness. I want to feel fullfilled.

I bite my nails

I bite my nails sometimes
Mostly til my fingers are bloody
I bite when I feel anxious
Nervous, my mind cloudy

I bite til they're perfect
In every which way.
Red, sore, painful
I torture myself this way

I bite til they're fucking raw
I bite til I can't stand it
It'll keep my mind off other things
Its not the way I planned it

A dark coping mechanism
I've done since I was little
Is it really coping though
When you still feel brittle.

I bite my nails
Bite them til they're perfect
Maybe ill forget why I started
And everything will be perfect.

Cant sleep

Can't sleep
Can't sleep
Even with my eyes closed
I feel
I feel
Like I've taken no doz
Awake
Awake
And it doesn't matter
I pray that ill pass out
Before the sun comes out
Only time will tell
But there's not much left
Up and anxious
Ill take deep breaths
Awake and it doesn't matter
Ill trudge through work tomorrow
As if sleep didn't matter
Ill pretend I'm no zombie
Ill pretend its all good
Ill pretend I have no troubles
Ill pretend real good
Hopefully I won't pass out
When I'm needed to be up
Right now I'm up
But its not enough
The little one needs me
She's not feeling too well
So ill stay awake
Beside her
Until the sun comes around.

Up every hour

Decided not to sleep at all
Since I've been up every hour
Might as well start early
Might as well a shower
Poor daughter wakes up in a sweat
Dripping from her forehead
Ready with the sippy cup
Baby its time for bed
Don't let the nightmares bother
Daddy is right here.
No one else to bother
Ill come to your rescue
Have no fear.
Middle of the night
Forego my sleep
Wake from from my dream
pray that my soul will keep
Ill stay by your side
Calm your nerves
Cool down your body
Who loves you little one?
How bout your daddy?
Keep the fever down low
Hopefully you'll wake
Be rested, healthy and able
In a serene state
My little daughter.
Her life is no fable.
A fairytale princess
Has come to life
Wake up sleeping beauty
Its been a long long night
My head pounds
From the sound
Ringing in in my temple
The elemental wind
Blowing is not fucking gentle
A train passing by
In my brain I realize
I should attempt slumber
This blunder of an evening
Sometimes I wonder
How I've got this far
How much further still
Til the end of the line
Life is so surreal

Good night. Ill try.

The woman that i love

The woman that I love
You could never love her like I do.
You can bend from a broken heart
But it won't shatter like mine has had to
The woman that I love
If she died tomorrow
What effect shall it have on you?
Pain? Sorrow? Lonliness?
Yeah...me too.
But your feelings will pass.
There's no weight to your words
Its so easy.
There's no loss for you.
Instead you're sitting pretty
Wrecking a home that was there before you
If the woman that I love died tomorrow
It'd be the end of me.
There'd be no getting over
Nothing some therapy can handle
But for you its easy.
There's no responsibilty
You can easily move on...
add to your list.
Your next dillemma would be
Who do I sleep with next.
While id be left alone
A world destroyed

Left with an empty home.

Its too easy for you.
You'll never know loss.
You'll never know true happiness
You've never had to sacrifice yourself
Or keep a family together.

For you, this is just a game.
You can say otherwise
But you'll never understand the pain.
The woman that I love.
loves someone else.
If he be a better man then it'd be fair.
But he doesn't know you.
He's never been there.

He hasn't gone to heaven, fell from the skies, fallen into the abyss, stayed trapped in hell...only to reemerge from the depths. Its just all been play. Good times. When it gets rough...will you stand by? Work through the hard times? Maybe you'll just go to sleep and hope it goes away. The woman that I love...you can never love her the same. The weight in my heart...that woman is my soul mate.

Across a field.

I walked across a field at lunch today.

I enjoyed the crunchy grass below my feet. My grey and white checkered vans enjoyed it too. If it were alive it'd say how much the texture was to its liking. The only qualm would be the thorns and hard stems that somehow made their way into my shoes and stuck to my socks. I was poked as I trodded along this unbeaten path. it made me think about the things I enjoy.

I have this feeling that I need to be productive in some way. Some how. To prove myself to some people...and mostly...now...to my self. What I enjoy? The simplest of simple pleasures. its not good enough for everyone I guess. Can't the cool breeze be the source of happiness anymore? Must there always be much more to enact contentedness? Id imagine ancient humans being happy with their environment...and that imagination, creativity and a need to manipulate the environment be the reasoning behind change....not boredom, not discontent.

Really...the little things are quite exciting to say the least. You make it your own...and that makes it exciting.

I wish I were in a better position right now. Things aren't going so well...at least some aspect are fairing well...but I'm dealing with some loss here.

My only satisfaction has come these simple pleasures. Simple things that I can enjoy and connect to ancient humans...bc I'm sure they enjoyed the same things too.

My english teacher in hs...threw many a quote at us...when it boiled down...the only one I can ever remember was "simplify, simplify" by thurough (I'm sure I'm spelling his name wrong)...but he wouldn't mind so much methinks. Simply stated...simplicicity is a key.

I hope to write in here more. I miss this. Amongst many other things that I miss....but this here is a part of myself that I was/have been losing a grip on.

Not just writing...but appreciating the little things.