all the bullshit

lets stop all the bullshit. please.

ive been.

ive been so dumb and ive been so stupid

fuck. ive only got these one liners

how can one be so blind.

how can one be so stupid

how can one hurt one that they love

how can we go back to before the hurts

how can we relieve pain and suffering.

ive been so dumb.

i had been numb

and now we cant go back

my love is pure.

im sorry that it took time and i hurt you so much.

ill pick up every heart piece scattered across the universe

if thats what it took to help rebuild

i love you so much it hurts so much.

i just need you near me

that would be enough.

my greatest love

my dearest love,

you are the inspiration. the reason for continuing on this plain of existence.
i had lost my muse for a very long time and here you have been all along and i took that for granted
how i am desperate and in pain wishing and wanting, hoping
just as you did for me. confused but still feeling love.

im so sorry for the pain. im so sorry for making you feel disregarded.

you are the ONE. my one. the one ive wanted for so long. and i took that for granted. im so so sorry. i cant think of any more way to apologize except to devote my entirety to helping you achieve happiness.

i cant believe i have met someone so amazing and special. the one who excites me like no other. all these superficial relationships are no match.

i cant say more and hope my actions speak for themselves. i love you for eternity and then some. i want my love memoralized here for you and for everyone to see.

my old longings were that of a lost boy looking for something that was a false dream.

im a fucking idiot.

Mom

Dear Mom,

I miss you. I have so many issues going on and while my partner offers all the support she can, I wish I was able to hear your voice and listen to your advice.

I wish I could tell you how depressed I'm feeling even if your response would be an exasperated "what do you mean??". I need that right now. The last thing I have is a voicemail from you wishing Ellie a happy birthday. Your voice is groggy and you're months away from dying from the fucking cancer but you still managed to call. I was a good son but I let bullshit keep us out of touch. I feel a lot of guilt for that and I feel so sad that I can't take the time back.

I wish I could tell you about all that I'm going through. I fucking hate that I had been in a position and in a relationship that made me feel like I needed to separate myself to gain a sense of Independence. I listened to a broken person and it changed my life.

I miss you. You'd be so proud of your granddaughter. You'd be so happy with Danielle as my gf and you'd be proud that I'm back in school. You'd be proud of me as a dad.

But this is all so hard and I wish I could just call you and have a conversation.

For the longest time it was just the two of us..and I took that for granted.

I never expected to have depressed feelings. I felt so removed from it. Like it was myth. Like "people get sad".

I can hear you in my head and I hope I never lose the sound of your voice in my mind.

I was thinking about you and you were speaking to me in my mind in tagalog. It felt great. I miss your words, your inflection, your cadence, your texture. I miss your confidence and attitude. I miss your strength and your spirit.

My days

My days.
Some days I don't know what's left
Then I'm reminded of life's vastness
My days are more thoughtful
Full of hopes and dreams
Everything in between
Interconnectivity
Synchronicity
Living symbiotically
Loving fully
Compassionately.