Mom

Dear Mom,

I miss you. I have so many issues going on and while my partner offers all the support she can, I wish I was able to hear your voice and listen to your advice.

I wish I could tell you how depressed I'm feeling even if your response would be an exasperated "what do you mean??". I need that right now. The last thing I have is a voicemail from you wishing Ellie a happy birthday. Your voice is groggy and you're months away from dying from the fucking cancer but you still managed to call. I was a good son but I let bullshit keep us out of touch. I feel a lot of guilt for that and I feel so sad that I can't take the time back.

I wish I could tell you about all that I'm going through. I fucking hate that I had been in a position and in a relationship that made me feel like I needed to separate myself to gain a sense of Independence. I listened to a broken person and it changed my life.

I miss you. You'd be so proud of your granddaughter. You'd be so happy with Danielle as my gf and you'd be proud that I'm back in school. You'd be proud of me as a dad.

But this is all so hard and I wish I could just call you and have a conversation.

For the longest time it was just the two of us..and I took that for granted.

I never expected to have depressed feelings. I felt so removed from it. Like it was myth. Like "people get sad".

I can hear you in my head and I hope I never lose the sound of your voice in my mind.

I was thinking about you and you were speaking to me in my mind in tagalog. It felt great. I miss your words, your inflection, your cadence, your texture. I miss your confidence and attitude. I miss your strength and your spirit.